Why do theme parks exist? There’s literally no point to them at all. Whoever came up with the idea originally must have got some funny looks. "You really want to screw together hundreds of metal pipes and power thousands of people a day along them, 87 feet in the air, upside down, at 56mph?"
Take the rollercoaster. Apparently they’re entertaining. Sure, if you consider entertainment to involve being sent hurtling at break-neck speeds through corkscrew turns, flung arse-over-tit so high you can see your house 30 miles away, except that you can’t because your gripped with a terror so extreme you can’t help but scream insanely any old wild gibberish that comes into your confused, spinning, little mind.
Well yes, they are daft, stupid, ridiculous and outright bonkers, all in equal measure, but crikey, would you believe it, they are actually fun. File it under ‘Perverse but True’. I say this because this week I rode my first ever rollercoaster, or four, on a thankfully empty, midweek visit to Flamingo Land.
Despite the offering the name suggests, I found myself jumping at the chance to induct myself on a thrilling array of highly pointless yet exciting rides. The highlight - undoubtedly - was the God-knows-how-high fling up the ominously named, but more ominously looking, Cliff Hanger. Unlike the tame 1993 film of the same name, the real, wet-the-bed-that’s-rather-ma-housive Cliff Hanger had me flying out my seat (ok, there was about a centimetre of give) - despite the thick steel pinning my shoulders to the seat. Now the concept of the Cliff Hanger is to power you appallingly high (180ft) into the air at speeds I can only describe as pants-filling, swooshing you immediately back down before a return journey during which you collect the stomach you left at the top only to pause - accentuating the horror - ahead of a final, vicious plummet to what feels like certain death. The horror. The horror. Apparently, and I'm no physicist, this ride exceeds the speed of gravity during its 'freefall launch'. According to its billing on the FL website this is a ride for visitors with nerves of steel: 'Experience the sheer exhilaration of a missile launch combined with BASE-jumping all in a single, spectacular ride'...'One of Europe’s tallest vertical drop rides'.
It’s sense-defying but I’m glad I did it. That was my 'proper' theme park virginity put to bed and I can finally let go of a memory that’s haunted me for much of my 26 years, of me and my sister crying our hearts out on the Spinning Teacups at Bridlington sea front.
Greater horrors exist.
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I actually wish I'd come because that Cliffhanger malarkey sounds fairly good!
ReplyDeleteGood work on the Feeder blog as well my lad (couldn't be arsed posting two comments. Plus, I was trying to avoid the appearance that I am your only reader =p )